Soft Life: Black Women Deserve No Less

If ever there was a time for a soft life for Black women it’s now! Black women are among the most educated in the US (outpacing their men counterparts by about 12%; roughly on par with White men). We have been among the most politically active cohort of Americans even before we became eligible to participate in electoral politics. We are the matriarchs and caregivers in our community. We set trends for aesthetics, fashion, and beauty.

In a word, we are the BLUEPRINT.

And we are tired.

We are tired of saving everyone in order to save ourselves.

We are tired of prioritizing everyone else’s needs above our own.

We are tired of masking our real personalities and emotions in the workplace.

We are tired of being held to the highest standard and, yet, never being deemed good enough.

We are tired of having to be the ones to carve out our own spaces and rituals of safety without anyone else protecting our need for and access to those.

We are tired of not being loved, touched, cared for in the exact ways we want.

We are tired of not being celebrated and exalted for all of who we are and what we give to the world while always being judged and vilified.

I’ve been reading We Refuse: A Forceful History of Resistance by Kellie Carter Jackson in which she lays out the history of Black resistance and categorizes those movements in five ways: Revolution, Protection, Force, Flight, and Joy. In her chapter on Protection she discusses the difference between it and revolution in that the former involves an intentional refusal of compliance with white supremacist structures along with acts of protection and care for Black folks. Rather than the focus being on defeating a force, the priority is keeping the collective, the valuable thing, away from harm. It is in this chapter that she most poignantly centers Black women. She provides numerous examples from our history of Black women actively engaging in the resistance movements that oftentimes included violence all done in service of keeping themselves, their families, and their community safe. This duality of resistance against and protection of so accurately reflects my experience of being a Black woman and all of the Black women I’ve had the privilege of knowing and loving in my lifetime. While this legacy is one I walk alongside with pride, I also feel its ever-increasing weight.

The majority of my therapy and coaching clients are high-achieving Black women. Those who checked all the boxes of education, success, upward mobility, responsibility, leadership, and, oftentimes a heavy dose of respectability. We are the daughters of women who gave us very few, if any, other options for how we would live our lives. We are the granddaughters of women who spent more of their lives caring for and attending to white people’s families than their own, never having the time to begin to imagine a life that wasn’t dictated by hard work, caregiving, and responsibility. So, here we are with all of our boxes checked and the commiserate privilege, time, and capacity to dream of lives that we define for ourselves by ourselves. Yet, far too often, we are still limited in our patterns of self-sacrifice, minimization of our full selves, making space for others, while leaving very little for ourselves.

When I consider the moment of history we’re in, that of my foremothers, of Black women’s collective foremothers, in juxtaposition with all of the intersecting systemic oppressive forces that are sustained through our self-sacrifice, compassion, strength, resilience, determination, and resistance at the center, I feel a myriad of things. I feel proud, exhausted, sympathetic, angry, resentful, determined, deep compassion, and, hopeful. It is my belief that while the Strong Black Woman schema came out of the distorted and exploitative gaze of white supremacist, capitalist forces, Black women learned to internalize that schema as a method of survival. We are now in an era where we recognize that not only are we not interested in holding onto that identity but that we are intentionally divesting from it by embracing a Soft Life.

I think it is past time that we stopped expending so much of ourselves for everyone but ourselves. I am not alone in this opinion either. After exit poll data from the 2024 election revealed that 92% of registered Black women voters voted for Kamala Harris, we have collectively been referring to ourselves as The 92% or 92%ers. Much of the conversation online has been that The 92% are on an extended break from rescuing America. That we are taking a much needed rest while the remainder figure it out on their own. Before this declaration, Nigerian influencers were talking about and showcasing their “Soft Life” online. Thanks to the TikTok algorithm gods, the Black American girlies found out about it and we’ve been onboard ever since. Most recently, the social mediasphere was all abuzz playing out the same predictable narrative about Black women - judge, vilify, lambast, mimic, rinse, repeat - about Meghan of Sussex (née Markle). She recently released her Netflix series entitled With Love, Meghan in which she features herself being the consummate host to her treasured guests, many of whom are her personal friends. She does so with grace, joy, enthusiasm, humility, pride, care, and authenticity. The overall feel and tone of the show reminded me so very much of my mother who loved hosting! I was so enamored with the show that I forgot just how much the world hates to see a Black woman living well. Non-Black women across the globe had more than a thing or two to say about the Duchess of Sussex – "not relatable", "not even her own house" (like all those kitchen sets Ina Gartner, Martha Stewart, and the like cooked in where their real homes!), "fake", tone deaf to the times, blah, blah, blah. However, I and my fellow 92%ers did not let that steal our joy! We doubled down on our embracing our softest lives and told the other folks to stay mad.

Elements of a Soft Life defined by Dr. Nikki Coleman

When I talk about the Soft Life, I’m specifically talking about the psychological mindset and tools needed to embrace a softer, gentler, joy-centered, and pleasurable life. There are four fundamental elements in my framework. They are: Authenticity, Self-Compassion, Boundaries, and Pleasure. If you want to live a Soft Life, you must 1- show up as your full self, 2 - give yourself the same compassion and grace you give others you love, 3- connect with others with your needs as the center, and 4 - prioritize your pleasure on your own terms. Watch my YouTube episode to learn more about how to do this. If you’re ready to live your Soft Life but don’t know where to begin, book a free consultation with me. I would love to partner with you to find your gentlest, softest version yet!

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What does your ultimate Soft Life look like? Comment below and let me know!